25 Points: Wish I Was Here

by Trevor L. Sensor

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1. I cannot explain how excited I was to see this film. I watched Garden State and listened through the new soundtrack to prepare for, what I figured was going to be, an emotional experience.

2. The opening monologue was a little unnecessary. (I think he says the same damn thing, like, three times throughout the whole film.)

3. Zach Braff must be one of those “California Dads” who yell obscenities in front of their children, smoke weed in the drop off lane in front their kid’s school, is an unemployed “artist,” and is constantly having an existential crisis.

4. Zach Braff seems uncomfortable with being Jewish.

5. Things I didn’t expect to see in this film: Zach Braff masturbating.

6. This is the most attractive I’ve ever seen Kate Hudson.

7. Thought it was cool when I realized that Zach Braff’s son, Tucker, (played by Pierce Gagnon) is the “Rainmaker” from Looper. (How the hell did he get into this movie?)

8. Zach Braff clearly has daddy issues. (See Garden State for further evidence.)

9. Can’t believe Zach Braff doesn’t at least have a part-time job or something. His father pays for his children’s schooling, his wife brings home the bacon, and I guess Braff just sits there and studies his lines all day.

10. What I learned from this film: God doesn’t care about your dreams.

11. Zach Braff’s brother, Noah, (played by Josh Gad) enters a costume contest in order to hook up with a furry. (Spoilers: he succeeds, and it’s literally the weirdest sex scene I’ve ever seen in a film.)

12. Kate Hudson is sexually harassed by a co-worker who makes his penis talk.

13. Basically flipped shit when “Holocene” and “Heavenly Father” by Bon Iver were featured in this film.

14. It was cool to watch Donald Falson and Zach Braff ride in a sports car together. It was basically a J.D. fantasy from Scrubs come true.

15. Secretly hoped that Natalie Portman would make a cameo in this film. (Spoilers: I was secretly disappointed.)

16. Expected this film to be a lot like Garden State. It wasn’t—which was weirdly okay.

17. Personally thought it was stupid that everyone gave Braff shit for raising two million dollars for this film via Kickstarter.

18. I think a lot of “critics” and bored people suffer from “Braff-envy”.

19. Feel like Braff tried a little too hard on this film. Wish I Was Here is like a self-conscious kid trying to prove to his parents that he’s matured a lot since the last time they saw him.

20. If this film proves anything, it’s that Braff is not ready to be a parent.

21. Jim Parsons gets his head blown off by aliens.

22. Zach Braff gets punched in the face by the guy with the talking penis.

23. Something else I learned from this film: dreams die hard when you have kids.

24. Natalie Portman > Kate Hudson. I cannot stress that enough.

25. Look, it’s not as good as Garden State (nor did I expect it to be), but it’s a good film. Wish I Was Here may be a “spiritual sequel” to Braff’s first effort, but it’s totally it’s own thing. Watch it. It’s funny as hell.

 

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